Daring to differ

For me, making the jump to making a change SOUNDS enticing, erotic, and down right doable. However, the ACTION it seems, takes more balls than this woman thought she carried.

Sometimes we need to just let go. Let go of the guilt, the need to be what you THINK you have to be. Let go of the crumbles of fallen dreams you carry in your clenched fist. One finger at a time, uncurl them. Watch the dust fly from your tired hand and feel the new breath fill your lungs as the last wretched spec blows away. Change is hard. It’s very scary to take a leap into the unknown. The decision for change needs to be made with overall mental, spiritual, and physical health in mind so as not to overreact.

I have felt so dark and down. Broken from my wild soul into this stiff robotic acceptance of “what should be.” But I made a change. I wanted to connect with the me I loved and not what I thought someone else would love.

It’s a very long and gravely, uphill road, in the snow, with flip flops on and no jacket…. back to Me. I’m noticing the difference one step can make though. I stepped away from my normal routine and am inspired by my new surroundings.

I want to walk through wooded paths, name trees, and watch the cloud characters blow by. I want to run my horse and feel the connection deep in my soul, pulsing and racing. I feel weak and empowered all at the same time. I don’t know what God has in store for me, but I am so very grateful that I haven’t passed up any opportunity that felt right. NO REGRETS.

-L

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Rays of inspiration

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There are just some people that fill you with inspiration and hope.

They are magnified by their positivity despite their life trials, things that most of us could never understand. And hopefully never will have to.

Sometimes these little gold specs  of life affect your soul in one meeting. Sometimes they have been in your family and you have never had a chance to get to know them….. really, deeply, get to know them. The most recognizable would be a close family or friend that you have grown to love over time, likely from childhood.

Many times these people have no idea the impact they have on others. When maybe the darkness they’re feeling inside could be taking over, others are being filled with desire to be better just from being in their presence. To build, flourish, to create. They are the reason for others inspiration.

And they have no idea. It’s like a crater in my heart. It  is filled with the lakes of a new enlightenment.

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Each morning, she wakes up. Usually showers. Loves up her pups and continues on with her normal routine of taking them out for a potty break, breakfast, and more doggy kisses.

She opens her car door. Time for work. Feeling the sensation of the cold metal upon her fingertips, she gives it a pull. Sitting in the driver seat, she smiles at the smell of a new car and turns the key. Maybe her favorite song comes on. Maybe she passes someone along the street that waves to her, a greeting for a new day. And maybe she sinks deeper into the darkness the past few years have brought. She never would have pinned herself to be one to develop cancer. The ugly truth of the past too easily can cover up the brightness of a new day. With a turn of the ridged knob, the thought is pushed to the back of her mind, and the sound of her favorite morning radio station fills the interior.

Work brings routine. Something to look forward to, and a purpose for each day. Her sadness lingers deep within each conversation shared with others who could never understand her pain and loss. She shoves the stabbing pain deeper because she knows each new day is a blessing. But why can’t she of had the opportunity of her peers… healthy and with so many choices? Still….. she trudges on, smiling through each hour. Because that is HER CHOICE. She chooses to hug, to kiss, to love. She willingly shares her story of recovery with raw truth, but never seeking pity.

After her shift it’s home she goes. The comfort of her bed and the awaiting wet noses bring the reminder that life is good and it’s hers for the taking and the making. What kind of magic is in store for tomorrow?

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And this is why she inspires. She has no idea the impact. My life is better because of her beauty and truth. To see life through her eyes makes me appreciate the value of her soul and more so, my own. And she has no idea how special and important she is.

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What a treasure to behold. To be able to cross paths with someone so filled with such a priceless gift. To be able to make the world a better place and not even know it :).

xoxo

-L

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Christmas Innocence

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It shines. Alternating strand after strand. Sinking in and out like a winter firefly. The warm smell of comfort in the home drifts lazily through each room. Unaware that living in a shelter meant you were going through hard times, the little girl awoke each day during December anticipating that Santa was coming and let the countdown begin. Her younger brother, too, felt the magic and excitement that a Christmas tree brought. At the ripe age of 8 years old, the girl was all but naive. But she continued to believe in magic. She felt it in all aspects of her life.

She shared a room with her younger brother, her mother nested on the couch. The space was small, covered in dark wooden walls and filled with borrowed furniture. Each week, a cardboard box of food supplies would be deposited on their front step, along with the other residents of the Eugene Family Shelter. Both girl and boy could not wait to see what the box brought! It was exciting to see the new foods that would be in there, their favorite was cereals and anything fresh provided. The Christmas tree continued to glow each gloomy, rainy morning. Lulling the day along hour by hour.

Within the next year, the family was able to transition to the mother’s Grandmother’s home. The children had no immediate memory of this woman, but were excited for the new warmth she brought. Her home was comfortable, full of her own life’s memories. Delicate momentums littered on every dresser, shelf, and wall space. Christmas was yet again coming full circle, magic tingling like electricity with each waking morning. The girl, now 9, hoped for nothing. Wanted…nothing. Just the pure enjoyment of how being warm and comfortable made her feel complete. To thank their great grandma for letting them stay there, the girl and boy wanted to do something for her for Christmas. A tree glistened with tinsel in the corner of the living room. No presents beneath it, and yet glowing with life, wonder, and hope. They secretly wandered through the house, each picking something that they liked from her shelves. Items that were attractive to them that looked like something a lady would like. They continued to wrap her precious memories in newspaper and place them under the boughs of the tree. The smell of homemade cinnamon rolls distracted them from the gifts and they wandered to the kitchen to visit with the woman. She was forever imprinted on that little girls heart.

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He was seven years old and life was full of wonder. He romped through his home, eagerly anticipating the spirit of Christmas morning. His family was warm and strong. Life was good.

With precision the boy placed each window cling in their proper place, assuring that Santa was not without his reindeer and that the snowflakes fell from the sky. On his dresser, twinkled a small Christmas tree decorated to his delight. Anything and everything merry was placed with a pure heart throughout his room. The boy slept, enveloped in pure innocence and magic.

Prayers in heart, the family brought home their tree. With their own fair share of hardship, the family shared a united feeling of empathy from the teeniest bug to the most beautiful farmed Christmas tree. And the boy continued to countdown the days until Christmas morning, where they finally get to place baby Jesus in his bed in the manger on their shelf.

Christmas has come and gone and the new year has begun. His mother calls him for a talk. She sits him down and tries delicately to explain that Santa isn’t real, but in fact it was herself and his father bringing gifts. The boy, now almost 8, leaves the room in tears.  The realization that the magic was no longer there. The spirit of Christmas and all it means stays in his heart as he grows, but the innocence of believing in magic is now gone. Everyone finds out at some point that Santa isn’t real. But the magic is always there. It lives in the peace, love, and faith in the good in people. And this man has grown to continue to be true at heart and all things innocent. And his room is still pasted with Christmas decorations each holiday season.

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I sit here in my living room thinking about my list of gifts I need to buy, making sure my store has enough product as to not miss out on a gift for the wanting child. Remember, it’s not about the newest XBOX ONE, iPOD, tablet, Barbie, or Cell phone. Let’s try and raise our children past the entitlement attitude and with more empathy for others. Don’t forget the spirit. Merry Christmas and God Bless.

L.

Strip

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 One of my core beliefs is raw honesty, delivered as elegantly as it can be mustered.  After all, TRUTH can be a delicate subject to most. This is good and bad because I usually have no filter and can hardly hold anything in, even to a stranger… Not everyone wishes to hear how tired I am or how rough of a day I have had. A good trait to have because I’m not afraid to unleash compliments on strangers at random moments or to tell them there fly is down, you’re welcome.  I wish more people could be this way.

 
I really can not stand fake people. Specifically, girls. Now, don’t get me wrong… we as a gender have  a lot to offer, but dammit the cattiness is a killer! I mean really, do you TRULY feel that much better about yourself after degrading another girl? I’m talking to you… the one that glares up and down at someone who dressed nicer than you that day, or you over there that delivers a false compliment to a peer at work.  I couldn’t even drudge up a teensy amount of interest in belittling someone else.  SO WHY DO YOU?

 
Now let me address you, the wench that feels the need to make herself feel better by attempting to get attention from someone elses man. Dude, seriously, find the confidence in yourself, not from the attention. Look deep down into your insecure and unsure heart and pull out the person that you wish you were. The one that you portray to people, but is actually as fake as can be. The right people will be attracted to you as an original, not who you want people to see.

I don’t know how many times I have to tell my husband not to butter up a situation. I would rather deal with a mistake, honestly spoken and admitted, then a half assed truth. Speak whats real, what’s in your heart. Or what’s the point? You’re not being true to you. If someone can’t accept you for your insight, fears, mistakes, and dreams, then you don’t need them in your life.

 
God forbid that you are true to yourself in a world full of liars. If you read this…. Open up, let people in, fall in pain, and stand on the top of a mountain.. full of light and glory of self honesty.

Being fake is BULLSHIT. I’m calling you out. Slough off your repulsive shell of lies and manipulation. It’s not appealing or worthy of anyone’s time. Now the person under there that is bursting to shine… the one that you’re hiding out of fear or low self respect/ confidence….. you’re pedestal awaits. SOAR.

L.

PURE, RAW, NAKED, STRIPPED.

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People are People, too

And you’re thinking….. “Hey girl, what are you talking about? Of course people are people.”  Yes, true, and most of us forget that sometimes.

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To follow up on a very lively week,  I saw how people can change over time and how they can forget that fact (refer to opening title). That in all the glory of their personal world, they forget that not everyone is like they are.  No we don’t agree on everything. AND THAT’S OK. That everyone has valid opinions, views, and routines that are different from yours. AND THIS DOES NOT MAKE that person LESS OR WRONG.

I found myself not relating like I used to. I felt defeated when I didn’t say something that was acknowledged or when they judged my actions (even though  my actions were right to me). Neither of us is wrong for feeling the way we do, but it’s important to recognize we’re not the same, accept the others ideals, and move on. DONT CRITICIZE!! It’s belittling.   Sigh…… and yet we all do it in every day life, even down to “yuck what is she wearing?”

If you can stop yourself for a moment and catch that nasty judgmental thought before it processes in your mind, turn it into something positive, and move on, you WILL be a stronger person for it. You will carry with you a deeper compassion for people as people. Try this:

STOP:

  • Staring (the object of your gaze may end up feeling worse by your judging look)
  • Thinking Negative (tearing apart what you’re seeing. Everyone has a different path, and they’re doing what they choose to do)
  • Bad attitudes (Just because someone doesn’t share your ways IS NOT WRONG, and they don’t deserve the attitude or cold shoulder)

LOOK:

  • At their beauty (What do they offer that you don’t? Differences make us beautiful)
  • Into their eyes (A lot can be seen there… pain, happiness, emptiness, longing, beautiful patterns of color)
  • At where they’re coming from (Maybe the way they do something or what they believe in is truly how they get through the day)

LISTEN:

  • Just be a good listener (Some people don’t know how to express how they feel and it can come across differently than how they intended)
  • And just because you’re listening and ACKNOWLEDGING what the other is saying….doesn’t mean you have to accept it as your own. It’s called being supportive in a positive way.

This post might be short and to the point, but seriously, remember that it’s not your job to judge others. Unless of course, you are a judge. In a court room. Sending meanies to jail.

Peace all around.

~L

10% of conflicts is due to difference in opinion and 90% is due to wrong tone of voice

Teddy Bear Pubes

I can’t help but LOL at this. Sometimes the things that come out if my husbands mouth really need to be documented and this was one of those times. I ran around in my leggings doing chores this morning, while Husband slept snuggly under the covers. I woke him up for work and he groggily wandered through the house slowly waking himself up. At one point he walked past me and mentioned I had something on my butt. With cat like reflexes he snatched it from my rump with “look, you found some teddy bear pubes.” Haha I am still laughing at how random this was. Just so you know, teddy bears don’t really have pubes, but it was in fact a jumbled clot of Pomeranian hair, my hair, and lint.

It’s really those little things that can get a morning off to a great start with a big smile. I really don’t know what I would do without his commentary in my life. Thank you Husband. I heart you.

~L

Lets get personal

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It has been dark lately. Clouded and foggy and absent. I collapsed into the abyss of my own mind. At first I thought it was depression. Positive and strong, I never let myself fall weak minded. Why was I so down in the dumps now? Somewhere a match was lit and I had a glimmer of light.  Something happened to me. And it’s awesome. I am fully inspired.

Sounds were muffled, sights dull. I was emerging from a process of growth and at first felt it was never going to end. I found myself diving into my writing today and it felt wonderful.  I was enthralled in what I was writing and found that my words just kept coming. At which point I realized what was happening to me, I stopped it. Scared and unsure of what I was doing, the realization brought me to cut it short. In reality, I should have let myself fly with it.

Like my first orgasm.

I said it would get personal.

Let me begin with the fact that he was strong and confident. I trusted him from the moment we met, with good reason. He was a genuine man that had an immediate likeability that I have never seen anyone carry. To this day, it still surprises me. Awe struck by the warmth I felt from his heart, regardless of it being love or not. It was compassion. Seventeen and naive, I thought I had this game in the bag. He was older, but I was driven to be closer to him. He touched me and kissed me and onward into the  oblivion of senses we melted. At which  point I didn’t know what was going on with my body, but he did. With every motion I continued to wriggle and writhe, yearning to stretch my muscles. I begged him to let up and let my insides rest, but he fiercely begged me to continue. Knowingly,  he pushed me gently. This was something I never experienced. He had me on the verge of a sexual epiphany.

Full of hormones, life, insecurities, and feeling analytical I stopped everything abruptly. I didn’t recognize the natural flow of something amazing.

Tonight the darkness is crisp, black, and sharp. It is still apparent, but I am excited to view it anew. I opened my eyes and remarkably saw what could be. It’s glorious and lovely. I have also noticed I appreciate the silence more. Radio is not as important just like not having the TV on in the background. Similar to listening to a heart beat or a lovers breathing. I found out  I was never truly drowning, but on the cusp of something ever changing. I just needed to let it change. Letting go can be scary and crude and sometimes it may feel against the grain of your current self.  But how will you ever discover the result if you don’t let yourself.. well… finish.

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Who needs babies anyways?

“You’re going to be a grandfather.”

“But, I already am.”

“Well, you’re going to be one again.”

The parent shuttered at those words. How can this boy become a father when he can’t even take care of himself? The parent longs to hold his son to comfort him, to reassure him, to celebrate. But there will be no celebrating with this conversation. The boy is only 17. Drug addict, psychologically stunted from a meth infested mother. Unresponsive to a loving father, except to leave threats of arson and harm. This boy with a record needs help and stability and now he will be nurturing a tiny life.

It’s a whirlwind of emotions. No one in the family has separated the boy from our tight embrace. He CHOOSES to alienate himself from reality. This is a moment when I pray to God to shines through any crack of light in the boys soul. The actions my mother have caused by her addictions have radiated through each of her four children. Mark is the youngest. He was the last one ripped saved from the instability of my mothers mental suicide. He was so tiny, trusting, and incredibly intelligent. He would rebuild engines of motorcycles and lawn mowers at the age of 8.  The promise of what could have been has been covered in soot.

“Mom, everyone has been saying you’ve been doing drugs. Have you?”

“(pause)….Yes.”

He was only 12.  Somehow he had to know. He blamed everyone for taking him away from his mom. He blamed our dad for taking him to live in Kansas and it was all Dad’s fault. Truth is, he was born into the ugliness that was kept secret for so many years. Even I didn’t grasp the entirety of the truth about her.

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Fast forward to today and here we are with a boy who is closing off all family from knowing this little innocence, coming soon. Might I add that he is currently living in an abandoned trailer in the woods. And chooses to not hold down a job. Not to pass judgement, but it is fact. He is capable of so much more if he tried. Here I am, 27 years old, healthy and mostly stable. Longing to be a mother, knowing I can give it so much of my heart and experience and yet unable. Not physically (that I’m aware of) but relationship wise. Husband is not ready. It makes my ovaries hurt. I know my time will come someday, and for that time I will be dreaming of. Until then, I will pray for my brothers baby to have the strength to pull through a life that isn’t even good enough for the wolves.

She decides to dance.

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Dance when no one is watching. Dance to express what the soul cannot speak. Doesn’t care if it looks like the Carleton from “Fresh Prince of Bel Air.” To Dance may not be in the literal term. I use it figuratively as an expression of oneself. Some recent conversations with family have started my inner creativity to bubble to the surface. I haven’t felt this inspired to be inside my own head since I was a teen. I hope it’s not a short lived fantasy, but one more stone in my path of self discovery. The concept that my imagination is endless and even if I can’t physically be experiencing life in the way I think I should, I can go and do whatever I want with with it. I want to take you there. I want to scrape off the dust of my own story, or one I would like to have. 

To dance is to move, and to move is to be alive.


Breath with me.

~L

Lazy Vs. Lost

So let me think this through. I have so many ideas, so many things I would enjoy being when I grow up. Why does this have to be so fudge sucking hard?! ROAR meow.

As the title says “Lazy Vs. Lost”…. I believe it’s a bit of both. Being lost but having so many ideas creates an overwhelming confusion. Makes me feel like a 5 year old spinning for the donkey and his tail. With this confusion and out of control bursts of ideas can cause a mental melt down. Total ooze out the ear, glossy eyed, better just watch ONE (or six) more episode of the Criminal Minds marathon. My REAL life consists of many decisions to make, endless chores, animals to care for, keeping a relationship together, family chaos, and the unattainable attainable personal goals. Each day is taken in stride and my week(s) are usually mapped out in advance, leaving no room for the spontaneity that my soul is craving.

On top of not deciding which direction to point my bursts of energy, I have a voice correcting me whenever I don’t do something THE RIGHT WAY. Their way (to no realization or fault of their own) was just that… THEIR WAY. This weighed down on me each and every attempt at creation of a project, goal, or daily chore. To constantly be corrected and never righted made me feel incapable. Now I am furthermore into this rotating circle of Lazy Vs. Lost.

Until last week…..

When I realized that I need to make those mistakes in order to learn from them. That I have just as much right to make good or bad decision on my own. I realized that this has not always been the dynamic between the Voice and I. Maybe the voice was speaking from a place that was making up for my distance and disconnection? I also realized that the actions of “laziness” I had been taking where everything felt “too hard”, “impossible”, “out of control”, were/could be signs of depression. Since I really had no reason to be falling into a depression besides that of my own sulking and pity, I pulled my head out of my ass. Woke up from my stupor and decided I would start with something tiny that felt “hard” and did something about it. Then onto the next thing. One little step and this lady was moving forward again.

I am still not quite sure which direction will become my personal identity, but I’m excited to find out. And I sure as hell won’t be dragged down by myself or anyone for that matter. You just never know unless you try.

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ALWAYS QUESTION, ALWAYS DISCOVER, ALWAYS TRY, NEVER SETTLE, AND DON’T GIVE UP.

~L