You can say there’s nothing funny about depression, that it’s a real problem.
I know this.
But as I sit here crying over all my miseries, all I can think about is how dumb this is that I can’t feel happy. I mean it, it’s bad. Tears flowing so fast the tissue can’t keep up and neither can the wine.
There is so much in my life to be thankful for and happy about and all I can think about is dying. WHAT THE FUCK??? Because dying makes things better right? Out of site out of mind. I’m very much NOT going to try and die and as an after thought I take it back…
“NO PLEASE! Universe, pretend I didn’t say that, you didn’t hear that, I didn’t mean it!”
This is seriously not who I want to be, nor who I used to be. I have been dealing with health issues this year and now my relationship is suffering and life feels bleak. MORE TEARS. MORE WINE.
And I have no idea why I can’t be stronger right now. Stronger for myself, my family, and my relationship. I really can’t blame my husband for feeling like he wants to drive away and never come back, I’ve put him through the ringer. God knows most men would not stay after all I’ve put him through. And for some reason… he still says he loves me. Wow. Not a lot of people have that.
Loneliness is the worst part of suffering from depression. I stare at my bright red, pathetically sad eyes, and wonder how I let my face look so saggy and frowney. Complete with messy bun! Oh you should see it, it’s a true picture perfect sob-fest.
Ever been there?
I’m in my kitchen wiping down the counters and I feel that tickle of sadness start to bubble. My mind starts coaching it to stay down and not to give in to the tears (still don’t know why they’re coming [shrugs]). Can’t hold it back, my face scrunches up like a baby and I start BAWLING. Very dramatic. Very comical… one minute, content… the next, niagra tear fucking falls. Then I gag, snot dripping down all over (sick!), drool dripping out of my saggy mouth. Hyperventilating starts. Yup.
Wait, let me get my wine, ok that’s better. Something soothing.
Logically, I look at all of this and laugh. It’s not necessary, and I raise a knowing eyebrow at myself with a “come on, shake it off!” It’s time to move on. But I can’t until things level out. I personally believe my hormones are all screwy as this is not like me. I am in the process of switching new thyroid meds and lets hope the comedy show takes an end soon.
Play with a puppy.
**On a side note, I know that depression is not something to joke about and the varying degrees are different for each individual. Dealing with depression is a journey and can be a life long one at that. It’s not easy to take anyone’s advice and “just be happy” or “smile,” but for your own sanity…. look at things for their beauty and look at yourself for your own beauty.