Really truly love this post!
After reading through my previous posts I realized there’s a lot of complaining in there. Granted, I had to contemplate it all in order to sort the mess of who I am, I started to feel like I am coming across a very sad person. A friend told me last night that “I seem very unhappy and that’s not the person I used to be.” Well fuck it. Grown up problems bring everyone down and I am not any different. I always promised myself to stay strong and grounded. Look where I am now, complaining about how “I do not feel the same as I used to.” I want to be in love with myself because of my strength and awesomeness at inspiring others. Just because I’m not quite there yet, doesn’t mean I won’t be after I jump my hurdles. And take my vitamins regularly. I think most of us are low on vitamin D. Swallow that shit daily, and chase it with some Vitamin B.
We all need to remind ourselves that no matter how bad things are, it could be worse. I know there are tons of posts out there about this, but seriously… get your shit together and be happy with the blessings you have around you. I don’t care if you’re homeless, in an abusive situation, dead broke, super rich with a cheating spouse, sick, whatever it may be that whoa is you IS AN OPPORTUNITY TO GROW. You would not be going through these things if it wasn’t put in front of you as an obstacle to overcome. TO GROW. I forget that as well. My struggles are only struggles to me because it’s not what I asked for. My struggles might be a dream for others to deal with.
One of my favorite quotes I found on my most favorite time wasting websites (
I mean, really, it says it all.
It may be so hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it is there. You just need to keep searching for a new path, a way to battle the whoas. I am very interested to hear if there’s anyone out there reading this, what are some struggles you are going through? Or what have you overcome? Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you start to look at a problem from a different angle and changed it to better yourself?
Love you guys, keep the peace.
Well hello there almost birthday, I see that with age and wisdom comes lovely little lines that flow from my eyes. Yes, they are new. Yes, I probably could have done things to prevent them.
But why would I EVER want to take away their memories.
With these lines came so so many tears. And even more crazy face making followed by laughter and more tears. My forehead crease is there not because I never wore sunglasses, but because I have felt and thought my way through so many experiences. I sigh a breath of relief and bittersweet sadness that my twenties are coming to an end.
So let’s recap this past year, just to see how my little lines came to be…
*Turned 28 and feeling very very depressed, sluggish, spent.
*Barely made it through spring because I felt so exhausted. Changed my hair color so it would stop falling out.
*Started trying to conceive, realized it wasn’t going to happen… thank goodness at the time, so much more to figure out.
*Struggled further with my marriage and my sense of self. Conflicting with my womanly intuition.
*Started medication for my Hashimotos Thyroiditis.
*Celebrated 1 year of marriage (11 years together)
*Had a mini mental breakdown immediately following our anniversary… wanted a family so badly and it just wasn’t happening.
*Changed medications… still struggling with my intuition. Something’s not right with the husband, my body, my mind!
*Started blacking out from my menstrual pains….No longer trying to conceive.
*Started pulling myself together and rediscovering my strength.
*Back to the doctor…..hey I have a Fibroid the size of a grapefruit. Yes that’s typically a non-cancerous tumor.
*Realizing my inner voice has a lot to say, and it’s about 90% accurate.
*Discovered the mistakes that were plaguing my husband… and my intuition. A whole years worth of struggling … but forgivable.
*Horse founders a week after the discovery of the above 3. He can barely walk 😦
*Praying to God to be with me through this tangled assortment of complete rock bottom and an emotional carnival.
*Woke up with a strength and peace that relished my soul. Literally. It’s as if I grew up overnight.
*Bought my first electric toothbrush. I really am a grown up now.
*Started school and also educated myself on my condition… opting to try natural ways to shrink fibroid for 6 months before deciding on surgery.
*New medication is working wonderfully. I finally feel stable! Only tiny bouts of anxiety.
*Relaxed about trying to conceive… if it happens it happens.
*I smile more.
*And I’m still trying to recognize the woman I’ve become this year.
*Hello almost 29. What will you have to offer? I’m anticipating each day is a gift of health and stability. At least for now.
*Husband is a good man. Just like the rest of us… personal growth is necessary. As of now, I wouldn’t want to live the rest of my life without him in it.
I am still figuring out how to manage my stress, but when those moments happen I try and ask myself “how would a unicorn handle it?” And I pray a lot.
I am so thankful everything happened as it did. All my worries, all my suspicions, my anxiety about not riding my horses, and the feelings of lack of self worth.. everything came to head at the same time! Open and raw, completely exposed, I experienced an awakening into something so beautiful. I never want to forget this moment of development. I am thankful.
February 11th…. 29 and I will welcome the future wrinkles.
Last night I went to pour myself a glass of red, with all intentions of sitting down to do paperwork. I opened my elegant, cherry wood, six paned cupboard door to grab a wine glass sitting all alone in the back corner. I wondered where this lone glass came from and why it was missing its mate. Grasping its delicate stem, I set it on the counter. My mouth began to water as I anticipated my new found interest in red wine, only to look down at the unescorted glass bud and notice it was tainted! Sitting in the cupboard solely, untouched from its owners lack of taste for its filler, this crystal drink ware was water spotted and dusty! This is unacceptable for a woman to drink from, says me.
At this point I went to great lengths to assure all spots were wiped clean and the glass shown and sparkled. Only then did I feel it was acceptable to drink from. I do this as I let a “fuck”bomb slip from my very lips. Some class, right?!
I have always been told I carry myself with class and maturity, but in the privacy of my comfortable spaces and friends, I have a tongue that would make the devil jealous. I personally do not find it attractive in myself, and I cringe at how aggressive it feels when I say these things. I also tend to be the biggest dirty talker there is, a shocker to most I assure you! Looking over my behaviors, I realize they do make me who I am and I shouldn’t have to change, however, I am looking to rise to the next level of my being. I use this tactless way of communicating as a defense mechanism to appear “stronger” and “tough”, and now it is appearing as my weakness and inability to express my needs. To me this level I seek is of maturity, class, elegance, strength, and power. And leadership. I want people to follow me not just because I am aggressive and forceful, but because I am a force to be respected.
I type this today sitting up straight. Despite the troubles with my mother, she ALWAYS scolded me for not sitting up straight. It may mean nothing to you, and it may feel awkward and rigid doing it, but solid firm posture is so very important. Our body language expresses so much to those around us. Shoulders back, hips tucked in, eye contact, and a genuine smile. This is going to be the “me” I’m working towards. I sipped my wine last night from a clean glass. I will say my words with clear intentions. I will articulate what I want and how I feel from those around me, with respect and a “filter” that I always seemed to lack. This burning ember will be a roaring fire and I will become someone others will seek for leadership. Don’t worry, there is still room for fun and relaxed speech, I just need to tone it down a bit. Build my filter. Folks that know me understand this.
Clean your mind, body, spirit, and language, and never drink wine from a dirty glass. Unless of course, you’re camping, in that case… you’re excused.
Things in my personal life have been pretty rough this past month. And if I’m going to be completely honest, they have been from the beginning of my 11 year relationship with my husband. As I have stated before, I began this grown up relationship at 17 years old and very naive. Not much experience under my belt (bah ha! “under my belt”… get it?…I made a funny…ok, awkward), I easily lost myself. I truly mean easily! I have yet to meet someone that hasn’t in some way morphed into what they “think” they need to be for the benefit of a happy union. Some lose just pieces of themselves, and some bury the whole thing.
I have been angry, forceful, jealous, demanding, needy, and emotional… among other horribly destructive personality traits. In a blur of life moving forward, I find myself wondering how I let myself get to this point. How come I wasn’t stronger and didn’t change it?? I know I have a sincere heart and my intentions come from a place of wanting to please, but I rip at my husband and cut him emotionally because I am so internally unhappy.
I have looked to my husband and they way he felt about me as a measure of my stunning personality. If I pleased him, then I MUST be someone worthy of this world. I literally thought this way each waking day since meeting him. I spent 11 years trying to please him and everyone around me, but never felt satisfied with myself. I had this fire inside that sparked occasionally when I felt free, only to subside to a dull blush. And my dear husband has stuck by me like a trooper, or an idiot, we can’t decide when discussing it. At least until this past month, he really broke. Things have changed and he is no longer strong enough to tolerate my dependency on him creating my happiness.
I am so grateful!
I am grateful because I know now how to strengthen my marriage and to move it along. In order to renew my marriage is to date myself! Sounds quirky and a little odd? It really isn’t, and I recommend it to everyone who hasn’t had a chance to find themselves. It’s not to late to try, I promise as I sit here…28 years old, a shadow to her husband, and a self-inflicting woman. I have personally left all of myself buried deep in order to conform to what I thought I had to be for everyone else.
If you are the one that is dependent in a relationship, you may often feel hurt if your partner doesn’t respond the way you “expect” them to. You may find yourself jealous, and often times conflicting about not wanting your partner to have alone time with their friends, but also wanting their happiness. You also may find that you need to know EVERYTHING that your partner is doing. An example would be where they are at what time, if they are caring for themselves and eating meals, what they were talking about with other significant people in their life. These are just a few of the unhealthy thoughts and feelings someone might experience in a co-dependent relationship.
I personally always needed reassurance. I needed it for everything! And most of those things weren’t even important. For example, if my husband sounded edgy on the phone, I had to call him several times to ensure that it wasn’t me that caused his bad mood. I would then try and provoke positive thoughts, pushing and pushing to “create” a better mood for him, just to make myself feel like it wasn’t my fault. In reality, all he needed was some space to work through his bad day or whatever it was that caused his turn of emotions. Just reading that sentence, I realize even more how wrong I was. Those were “HIS” emotions! Not mine to control for my own selfish benefit. That is just a teeny example of the behavior I had (and am still working through). On most occasions, something like this would escalate to an all day argument about all the things that make me unhappy with our relationship and how he doesn’t give me what I need. This man has stuck through so much emotional damage just to ensure I am cared for. I honestly don’t know how he did it, let alone still having a scrap of a relationship to have the opportunity to repair. I am truly blessed to be in a safe situation to learn through these detrimental behaviors.
So starting today I am dating myself. I am treating myself with respect, and doing so with little concern for how others see me. This is a private and enjoyable time. I get to explore what makes me something worth loving. What I have to offer and bring to all my relationships. I have also decided to go to school to work towards a career change. My writing, my passion for the environment and wildlife, my smile. These are all things that I add to those around me.
Today was amazing, and beautifully peculiar. I went to work with my soul wide open. Strong with my decisions on leaving this broken me behind and discovering the person I loved when all I had was myself. To a time when I was the only strength I had. I brought myself internally to the place I went when I was dealing with my bi-polar and meth infested mother. Where I went when I was being manipulated by her unhealthy emotions and forcing me to contour to her needs. I became that woman today. On more times than I can count on one hand, I was freely handed compliments. Maybe just kind words from others, but nonetheless, compliments to me. When I mentioned I wanted to make a difference with my future career choice, I was openly told (by the most quiet and honest man at work), that I already do touch people because of who I am. That I make people feel good. $#%#$%#$%#%??????? I haven’t had such a nice thing spoken that directly to me in a great while. So random. But what really had me open my eyes was when a woman I was ringing up finished her transaction, placed her receipt in her wallet…eyes down, and asked me blatantly “So…what are you going to do?” I was shocked. What did this woman want to know? And how did she know what I was going through??? I proceeded to ask her what she meant, was it about the war? The economy? My weekend? Nope. She wanted to know what I was going to do with life in general. Now, I am already self employed (three store front locations), married, stable living environment and pretty set up in general. Was I made of glass today?? I told her of my surprise to her question, that I am pursuing an old interest in Natural Resources/ Conservation/ Wildlife Biology and that it was going to be a fresh start and a long journey. This woman then spent the next 15 minutes (this is my cashier position that I do part time for fun and we were not busy) telling me about how excited she was for me and that she was incredibly happy to hear about my decision. I really didn’t know what to make of it, but after she left, it really made me realize I was making the right decision for ME.
So tonight I sit here writing to you. Writing for me. I am down half a bottle of wine and a belly full of cheese and fruit. My candle is lit, music of choice playing. I also painted my nails (something I had put off for a while). My husband is out with his cousins and I am very much content with that. Turning my insecurities around and facing them as open doors for creating what has been amiss for far too long. Me.
Love yourself before anyone else, because then you can truly offer others unconditional and pure love.
Don’t follow your mind, it will hold you back.
Don’t follow your heart, it will fool you.
Follow your soul….it knows what you need.
It’s so very important to be aware of the world around you. Listen to your body, your mind, and look for the puzzle pieces to help lead you to the big picture. I am constantly trying to better myself and my future…each… and… every… day. Which is exhausting, and also very rewarding. Gaining knowledge and wisdom through risks and mistakes just add to my “box of tools,” as I call it.
Recently, I have been working hard… 7 days a week, only resting on the eighth day… as previously written in my post “Finding purpose in a 65 hour work week” as pushing hard to accomplish a few goals in life and to stretch my capabilities as an entrepreneur. And then I was diagnosed with Hashimotos Disease. If you are not sure what that is, its an autoimmune disease that makes up 90% of the worlds diagnosed hypothyroid patients. It is a disease where your body is constantly at war with itself (specifically the thyroid) and you pretty much feel like shit most days. Very unispired, dull, and fat. I happen to be genetically predisposed for this condition (Thank you Dad… you’re still my hero), and it happened to be “triggered” by stress. I had a minor freak out moment, as I already knew something was different about my body. Googled everything under the sun about HT, from symptoms, diet, natural remedies, to surgery, and the obvious..infertility, until I felt like I was dying (Thank you Google). I cried hard, blasted some music and cried some more… and then enlightenment happened. I have/ had no control over this happening to me, it was already written for my life. I could not have prevented it. So why not use it as a “tool” to better my life? And that is what I am doing SMILING BIG.
A few years back I made the conscious decision to cut out most junk food, fast food, all sodas and juice. I made sure we had veggies with every dinner and the proper amount of water each day. Had I not paid attention to the way my body was reacting to this crap means of fueling my body, I would be worse off in my disease than I am. My husband and I are now about 90% organic eaters, antibiotic free milk, eggs, and meat. We steer clear of processed sugars and carbs (with the occasional slack…you gotta keep living and enjoying right?). I guess my point to all of this is, is that with awareness and attention to detail, we’re able to be proactive, sometimes without even realizing what we’re being proactive for. And instead of being upset and depressed and letting this disease hold me back, I am utilizing the “required” changes (diet, exercise, stress & meditation) to my advantage. They are now something that I am requiring myself to monitor… in turn, it will better my life. Gosh darn… I am now REQUIRED to live a healthier and low stress life ;). I am very excited with these new changes and still scared about what my future looks like, but I know I can handle it.
So onward into the unknown future, but I’m a blaze with confidence and a new found strength that only knowledge and learned life can bring.
IF you are also dealing with Hashimotos Thyroiditis Disease, feel free to comment or message me if you want to talk about it. I love sharing information and opinions.
It has been dark lately. Clouded and foggy and absent. I collapsed into the abyss of my own mind. At first I thought it was depression. Positive and strong, I never let myself fall weak minded. Why was I so down in the dumps now? Somewhere a match was lit and I had a glimmer of light. Something happened to me. And it’s awesome. I am fully inspired.
Sounds were muffled, sights dull. I was emerging from a process of growth and at first felt it was never going to end. I found myself diving into my writing today and it felt wonderful. I was enthralled in what I was writing and found that my words just kept coming. At which point I realized what was happening to me, I stopped it. Scared and unsure of what I was doing, the realization brought me to cut it short. In reality, I should have let myself fly with it.
Like my first orgasm.
I said it would get personal.
Let me begin with the fact that he was strong and confident. I trusted him from the moment we met, with good reason. He was a genuine man that had an immediate likeability that I have never seen anyone carry. To this day, it still surprises me. Awe struck by the warmth I felt from his heart, regardless of it being love or not. It was compassion. Seventeen and naive, I thought I had this game in the bag. He was older, but I was driven to be closer to him. He touched me and kissed me and onward into the oblivion of senses we melted. At which point I didn’t know what was going on with my body, but he did. With every motion I continued to wriggle and writhe, yearning to stretch my muscles. I begged him to let up and let my insides rest, but he fiercely begged me to continue. Knowingly, he pushed me gently. This was something I never experienced. He had me on the verge of a sexual epiphany.
Full of hormones, life, insecurities, and feeling analytical I stopped everything abruptly. I didn’t recognize the natural flow of something amazing.
Tonight the darkness is crisp, black, and sharp. It is still apparent, but I am excited to view it anew. I opened my eyes and remarkably saw what could be. It’s glorious and lovely. I have also noticed I appreciate the silence more. Radio is not as important just like not having the TV on in the background. Similar to listening to a heart beat or a lovers breathing. I found out I was never truly drowning, but on the cusp of something ever changing. I just needed to let it change. Letting go can be scary and crude and sometimes it may feel against the grain of your current self. But how will you ever discover the result if you don’t let yourself.. well… finish.