Follow along on one girls journey of self-discovery. It may be interesting, poorly written, neurotically dull….and hopefully inspiring. “I have been and still am a seeker, but I have ceased to question stars and books; I have begun to listen to the teaching my blood whispers to me.” ― Hermann Hesse, Demian.
After reading through my previous posts I realized there’s a lot of complaining in there. Granted, I had to contemplate it all in order to sort the mess of who I am, I started to feel like I am coming across a very sad person. A friend told me last night that “I seem very unhappy and that’s not the person I used to be.” Well fuck it. Grown up problems bring everyone down and I am not any different. I always promised myself to stay strong and grounded. Look where I am now, complaining about how “I do not feel the same as I used to.” I want to be in love with myself because of my strength and awesomeness at inspiring others. Just because I’m not quite there yet, doesn’t mean I won’t be after I jump my hurdles. And take my vitamins regularly. I think most of us are low on vitamin D. Swallow that shit daily, and chase it with some Vitamin B.
We all need to remind ourselves that no matter how bad things are, it could be worse. I know there are tons of posts out there about this, but seriously… get your shit together and be happy with the blessings you have around you. I don’t care if you’re homeless, in an abusive situation, dead broke, super rich with a cheating spouse, sick, whatever it may be that whoa is you IS AN OPPORTUNITY TO GROW. You would not be going through these things if it wasn’t put in front of you as an obstacle to overcome. TO GROW. I forget that as well. My struggles are only struggles to me because it’s not what I asked for. My struggles might be a dream for others to deal with.
One of my favorite quotes I found on my most favorite time wasting websites (pintrest):
I mean, really, it says it all.
It may be so hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it is there. You just need to keep searching for a new path, a way to battle the whoas. I am very interested to hear if there’s anyone out there reading this, what are some struggles you are going through? Or what have you overcome? Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you start to look at a problem from a different angle and changed it to better yourself?
Last night I went to pour myself a glass of red, with all intentions of sitting down to do paperwork. I opened my elegant, cherry wood, six paned cupboard door to grab a wine glass sitting all alone in the back corner. I wondered where this lone glass came from and why it was missing its mate. Grasping its delicate stem, I set it on the counter. My mouth began to water as I anticipated my new found interest in red wine, only to look down at the unescorted glass bud and notice it was tainted! Sitting in the cupboard solely, untouched from its owners lack of taste for its filler, this crystal drink ware was water spotted and dusty! This is unacceptable for a woman to drink from, says me.
At this point I went to great lengths to assure all spots were wiped clean and the glass shown and sparkled. Only then did I feel it was acceptable to drink from. I do this as I let a “fuck”bomb slip from my very lips. Some class, right?!
I have always been told I carry myself with class and maturity, but in the privacy of my comfortable spaces and friends, I have a tongue that would make the devil jealous. I personally do not find it attractive in myself, and I cringe at how aggressive it feels when I say these things. I also tend to be the biggest dirty talker there is, a shocker to most I assure you! Looking over my behaviors, I realize they do make me who I am and I shouldn’t have to change, however, I am looking to rise to the next level of my being. I use this tactless way of communicating as a defense mechanism to appear “stronger” and “tough”, and now it is appearing as my weakness and inability to express my needs. To me this level I seek is of maturity, class, elegance, strength, and power. And leadership. I want people to follow me not just because I am aggressive and forceful, but because I am a force to be respected.
I type this today sitting up straight. Despite the troubles with my mother, she ALWAYS scolded me for not sitting up straight. It may mean nothing to you, and it may feel awkward and rigid doing it, but solid firm posture is so very important. Our body language expresses so much to those around us. Shoulders back, hips tucked in, eye contact, and a genuine smile. This is going to be the “me” I’m working towards. I sipped my wine last night from a clean glass. I will say my words with clear intentions. I will articulate what I want and how I feel from those around me, with respect and a “filter” that I always seemed to lack. This burning ember will be a roaring fire and I will become someone others will seek for leadership. Don’t worry, there is still room for fun and relaxed speech, I just need to tone it down a bit. Build my filter. Folks that know me understand this.
Clean your mind, body, spirit, and language, and never drink wine from a dirty glass. Unless of course, you’re camping, in that case… you’re excused.
Things in my personal life have been pretty rough this past month. And if I’m going to be completely honest, they have been from the beginning of my 11 year relationship with my husband. As I have stated before, I began this grown up relationship at 17 years old and very naive. Not much experience under my belt (bah ha! “under my belt”… get it?…I made a funny…ok, awkward), I easily lost myself. I truly mean easily! I have yet to meet someone that hasn’t in some way morphed into what they “think” they need to be for the benefit of a happy union. Some lose just pieces of themselves, and some bury the whole thing.
I have been angry, forceful, jealous, demanding, needy, and emotional… among other horribly destructive personality traits. In a blur of life moving forward, I find myself wondering how I let myself get to this point. How come I wasn’t stronger and didn’t change it?? I know I have a sincere heart and my intentions come from a place of wanting to please, but I rip at my husband and cut him emotionally because I am so internally unhappy.
I have looked to my husband and they way he felt about me as a measure of my stunning personality. If I pleased him, then I MUST be someone worthy of this world. I literally thought this way each waking day since meeting him. I spent 11 years trying to please him and everyone around me, but never felt satisfied with myself. I had this fire inside that sparked occasionally when I felt free, only to subside to a dull blush. And my dear husband has stuck by me like a trooper, or an idiot, we can’t decide when discussing it. At least until this past month, he really broke. Things have changed and he is no longer strong enough to tolerate my dependency on him creating my happiness.
I am so grateful!
I am grateful because I know now how to strengthen my marriage and to move it along. In order to renew my marriage is to date myself! Sounds quirky and a little odd? It really isn’t, and I recommend it to everyone who hasn’t had a chance to find themselves. It’s not to late to try, I promise as I sit here…28 years old, a shadow to her husband, and a self-inflicting woman. I have personally left all of myself buried deep in order to conform to what I thought I had to be for everyone else.
If you are the one that is dependent in a relationship, you may often feel hurt if your partner doesn’t respond the way you “expect” them to. You may find yourself jealous, and often times conflicting about not wanting your partner to have alone time with their friends, but also wanting their happiness. You also may find that you need to know EVERYTHING that your partner is doing. An example would be where they are at what time, if they are caring for themselves and eating meals, what they were talking about with other significant people in their life. These are just a few of the unhealthy thoughts and feelings someone might experience in a co-dependent relationship.
I personally always needed reassurance. I needed it for everything! And most of those things weren’t even important. For example, if my husband sounded edgy on the phone, I had to call him several times to ensure that it wasn’t me that caused his bad mood. I would then try and provoke positive thoughts, pushing and pushing to “create” a better mood for him, just to make myself feel like it wasn’t my fault. In reality, all he needed was some space to work through his bad day or whatever it was that caused his turn of emotions. Just reading that sentence, I realize even more how wrong I was. Those were “HIS” emotions! Not mine to control for my own selfish benefit. That is just a teeny example of the behavior I had (and am still working through). On most occasions, something like this would escalate to an all day argument about all the things that make me unhappy with our relationship and how he doesn’t give me what I need. This man has stuck through so much emotional damage just to ensure I am cared for. I honestly don’t know how he did it, let alone still having a scrap of a relationship to have the opportunity to repair. I am truly blessed to be in a safe situation to learn through these detrimental behaviors.
So starting today I am dating myself. I am treating myself with respect, and doing so with little concern for how others see me. This is a private and enjoyable time. I get to explore what makes me something worth loving. What I have to offer and bring to all my relationships. I have also decided to go to school to work towards a career change. My writing, my passion for the environment and wildlife, my smile. These are all things that I add to those around me.
Today was amazing, and beautifully peculiar. I went to work with my soul wide open. Strong with my decisions on leaving this broken me behind and discovering the person I loved when all I had was myself. To a time when I was the only strength I had. I brought myself internally to the place I went when I was dealing with my bi-polar and meth infested mother. Where I went when I was being manipulated by her unhealthy emotions and forcing me to contour to her needs. I became that woman today. On more times than I can count on one hand, I was freely handed compliments. Maybe just kind words from others, but nonetheless, compliments to me. When I mentioned I wanted to make a difference with my future career choice, I was openly told (by the most quiet and honest man at work), that I already do touch people because of who I am. That I make people feel good. $#%#$%#$%#%??????? I haven’t had such a nice thing spoken that directly to me in a great while. So random. But what really had me open my eyes was when a woman I was ringing up finished her transaction, placed her receipt in her wallet…eyes down, and asked me blatantly “So…what are you going to do?” I was shocked. What did this woman want to know? And how did she know what I was going through??? I proceeded to ask her what she meant, was it about the war? The economy? My weekend? Nope. She wanted to know what I was going to do with life in general. Now, I am already self employed (three store front locations), married, stable living environment and pretty set up in general. Was I made of glass today?? I told her of my surprise to her question, that I am pursuing an old interest in Natural Resources/ Conservation/ Wildlife Biology and that it was going to be a fresh start and a long journey. This woman then spent the next 15 minutes (this is my cashier position that I do part time for fun and we were not busy) telling me about how excited she was for me and that she was incredibly happy to hear about my decision. I really didn’t know what to make of it, but after she left, it really made me realize I was making the right decision for ME.
So tonight I sit here writing to you. Writing for me. I am down half a bottle of wine and a belly full of cheese and fruit. My candle is lit, music of choice playing. I also painted my nails (something I had put off for a while). My husband is out with his cousins and I am very much content with that. Turning my insecurities around and facing them as open doors for creating what has been amiss for far too long. Me.
Love yourself before anyone else, because then you can truly offer others unconditional and pure love.
You’re at work and check your phone on one of those “short” breaks. You see that Johnny Joe has called just literally 2 minutes ago. This must be important based off the sound of his voice on the message. You slide your finger across your ever so shiny smart phone and open up the missed call. Touch the smooth screen containing all the information of Johnny Joe (now that you think of it, you really don’t even know his actual phone number) and wait while the phone is ringing. And ringing. And ringing….voicemail. Okay… maybe he doesn’t have good reception. You touch Johnny’s contact again and hope that he answers (your break is now 5 minutes in and you still need a quick snack and to pee). Ringing… voicemail. Ok seriously, “I just missed your call by 2 minutes, why aren’t you answering?!?!?!?” And you think to yourself you hope everything is okay. Your break is now over and all you can think about is the urgency in Johnny’s voice on the message. YOU HAVE TO KNOW WHAT’S WRONG!!!
Now imagine yourself receiving a letter from Johnny Joe, cell phone’s & social media do not exist, expressing urgency and to write back or come quick to his location. You would seriously have to wait literally days if not weeks to hear back about what is wrong with good ole’ John. Do you think you could manage such patience in today’s modernized world? What if you had to live without your iPhone 4, 5c, 6plus, 7comingsoon, 12evenbetter, 25smarterthanNASA? GASP!
It did exist once, this time without immediate social satisfaction, and we survived. In fact, I kind of think we as a race happen to know more about life by NOT being in the “instant know.” We learned actual lessons in life. Messages about hard work, patience, saving and planning. There has always been a part of society that lacked intelligence, but education was harder to come by so many decades ago. These days, it doesn’t seem that having an education is quite as important just the same, but we have greater resources! Surrounded by information on the internet, free libraries, and generations of mistakes and success written for our benefit to learn from. Feels wasted.
By having the instant gratification of social responses, news updates, who just gossiped about Peggy Sue in math class and who got drunk last night after their very public breakup with their significant other, we are losing our patience when it really counts. As it turns out, “patience is a virtue,” I am finding is being lost among the newest generations.
Writing, grammar, spelling, and knowledge in general are significantly misplaced when you have an operating system to correct your every mistake.
The English language is now subject to digital communications in the lamest forms. Dare I say LOL, HASHTAG, @WHOGIVESAFUCK, WCWSOW (<<<Why can't we spell our words??) are now an everyday means of communication. We now live in a society where having your own professional signature (legibly spelling your name…so basic, right?) is a lack luster need, let alone knowing how to spell correctly is overlooked by many. I feel like the only traditionalist left in the world. Yes progression needs to happen, but please, let's do it with the means to create, inspire, and better the world. Not deteriorate everything that was once "proper etiquette." Or perhaps, please have standards?
We are by no means perfect, however, let’s push ourselves and evolve… intelligently.
The scariest part of trying something new, is not in failure, but in the unknown. With knowledge, we can do anything.
For example, see the young woman applying for a higher position than her current one. Say a LEAD position. Her management saw potential in her and offered that she should apply.
When spoken to about how she feels about it with her coworkers, she said she’s scared, she doesn’t know if she can do it.
This is an example of how we interpret “fear of failure,” however, it is in fact the “fear of the unknown.”She is unsure if she can do the job, because she’s never done it before. With the right tools and training, however, she is fully capable of the job. It’s about building that confidence that you can “learn” you’re way through new experiences.
It feels good to Nail it and be able to execute, time after time, you’re job requirements.
Go forth with you’re shoulders back, because you can learn to do anything.
We started our retail business almost 9 years ago, I was freshly 19 years old and very naive. Here I am at 28 and we are on our third store front location, starting up the internet sales aspect of our business, and I took on another part time job elsewhere…. just to make time for something I’m interested in without feeling the guilt of taking personal time. I care that much about what we do, I respect it, I cherish it, and I am blessed. However, it all comes with a sacrifice and sometimes I just want things to be a little simpler.
I am up, anywhere from 6-9am, everyday. Hour of chores between the dogs, cats, horses, laundry, dishes, cooking. Shower, and off to work. During my 10 hour shift (sometimes split between the 2 jobs), I work well, and sometimes I don’t. Sometimes I’m lazy and I hope that’s ok. After my shift ends at 9-10pm, I head home (anywhere from a 15min- 1 hour commute) for another hour of chores (same as the morning), cook a usually thoroughly healthy dinner, and fall asleep to a movie… say between 1am-3am.
There is no time. I stretch and stretch and add more to my responsibilities and I don’t know why. I don’t understand why we do it. What our purpose is. I’m fairly a happy person in real life. I try and see the best in things and look for the little moments that really make me feel grounded again. Bringing me back from a whirlwind of time speeding by. I was not raised this way, but I have come to conform to please my husband and in hopes of building our life. So someday, I can be the woman I really want to be. I want to be a mother, a great one. I want to provide a clean home, a full vegetable garden and I want to know how to make a tasty loaf of bread. But those things take time. Time that I don’t know if I’ll ever really have.
I was raised in a pretty fucked up situation. I was thankfully never sexually abused, but my childhood did involve a lot of abuse, instability, and drugs. I sank myself deeply into novels and my own imagination. I read more books each month than most have read by the end of high school. My angels, wherever and whoever you may be, managed to keep me from becoming barefoot and pregnant at a young age, and off of welfare after 17 years old. No offense to those that are in that situation.. believe me, I lived it. All I know is that my father instilled in me the beauty and magic of LIFE. This does not involve lots of money and toys, but more of catching grasshoppers, naming plants, fishing, camping, climbing trees, playing sock football on rainy nights. Laughing so hard by just looking at someone that you end up crying and falling to the ground. I love those memories and I want so badly to hang on to them. That is so far from who I am today, all I can see is specks of that girl.
The business we own has been around for 23 years. Before I even knew of my husband, I had been a customer there with my dad. Very fond memories of renting movies and video games, pizza, scary stories and tall tales, and of course… ice cream. My husband also shopped there growing up, however we have a nice age gap of 9 years, so I don’t believe our paths ever crossed. I think this is why I hang on to the dedication of our business. It’s meant to be in some way. To succeed. To make many more memories for our customers kids and so forth.
I dream often of the life I could of had. I see their little faces. See what kind of parents we could have been. How much I would like to experience with them. For myself. For sharing pure joy with others and finding inspiration in the little things.
My dreams will have to ever be set aside. The disappointment in his face is too hard to bare to push any further on changing things. So I trudge on. Hoping someday to maybe have a little bit of both worlds. And because I do love him.
Life throws so many twists and turns our way and we are expected to stay on a straightened path as “They” (who?) say. Obviously, our roads are NOT always straight and we need to veer off onto some unknown dirt road in order to discover where we really want to go.
The truth is, as we grow and experience, we see this road ahead on a map and we learn to respect it as “what should be the way to go.”
How about NOT going that way?
That’s what’s amazing! The map we draw out for our future is ever changing, as much as we try and hang on to it. And we, as competent human beings, have the power of free will to modify it, however we choose.
I firmly believe in a balance of following the rules and breaking a few.
Sometimes breaking a few rules feels good. I’m not saying go rob a bank, but the rules that we hold closely to our moral bindings sometimes need to be broken.
I broke the rules today and I’m ok with it. I needed it. It wasn’t something terrible or sinful, but it was against my normal instinct. And it really reminded me that I can feel again. Reminded me that I do have control over my destiny. I also realized my instincts are usually correct, even when someone tries to tell me I’m crazy. So I guess, sometimes breaking the rules can keep you grounded.