Follow along on one girls journey of self-discovery. It may be interesting, poorly written, neurotically dull….and hopefully inspiring. “I have been and still am a seeker, but I have ceased to question stars and books; I have begun to listen to the teaching my blood whispers to me.” ― Hermann Hesse, Demian.
After reading through my previous posts I realized there’s a lot of complaining in there. Granted, I had to contemplate it all in order to sort the mess of who I am, I started to feel like I am coming across a very sad person. A friend told me last night that “I seem very unhappy and that’s not the person I used to be.” Well fuck it. Grown up problems bring everyone down and I am not any different. I always promised myself to stay strong and grounded. Look where I am now, complaining about how “I do not feel the same as I used to.” I want to be in love with myself because of my strength and awesomeness at inspiring others. Just because I’m not quite there yet, doesn’t mean I won’t be after I jump my hurdles. And take my vitamins regularly. I think most of us are low on vitamin D. Swallow that shit daily, and chase it with some Vitamin B.
We all need to remind ourselves that no matter how bad things are, it could be worse. I know there are tons of posts out there about this, but seriously… get your shit together and be happy with the blessings you have around you. I don’t care if you’re homeless, in an abusive situation, dead broke, super rich with a cheating spouse, sick, whatever it may be that whoa is you IS AN OPPORTUNITY TO GROW. You would not be going through these things if it wasn’t put in front of you as an obstacle to overcome. TO GROW. I forget that as well. My struggles are only struggles to me because it’s not what I asked for. My struggles might be a dream for others to deal with.
One of my favorite quotes I found on my most favorite time wasting websites (pintrest):
I mean, really, it says it all.
It may be so hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it is there. You just need to keep searching for a new path, a way to battle the whoas. I am very interested to hear if there’s anyone out there reading this, what are some struggles you are going through? Or what have you overcome? Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you start to look at a problem from a different angle and changed it to better yourself?
Things in my personal life have been pretty rough this past month. And if I’m going to be completely honest, they have been from the beginning of my 11 year relationship with my husband. As I have stated before, I began this grown up relationship at 17 years old and very naive. Not much experience under my belt (bah ha! “under my belt”… get it?…I made a funny…ok, awkward), I easily lost myself. I truly mean easily! I have yet to meet someone that hasn’t in some way morphed into what they “think” they need to be for the benefit of a happy union. Some lose just pieces of themselves, and some bury the whole thing.
I have been angry, forceful, jealous, demanding, needy, and emotional… among other horribly destructive personality traits. In a blur of life moving forward, I find myself wondering how I let myself get to this point. How come I wasn’t stronger and didn’t change it?? I know I have a sincere heart and my intentions come from a place of wanting to please, but I rip at my husband and cut him emotionally because I am so internally unhappy.
I have looked to my husband and they way he felt about me as a measure of my stunning personality. If I pleased him, then I MUST be someone worthy of this world. I literally thought this way each waking day since meeting him. I spent 11 years trying to please him and everyone around me, but never felt satisfied with myself. I had this fire inside that sparked occasionally when I felt free, only to subside to a dull blush. And my dear husband has stuck by me like a trooper, or an idiot, we can’t decide when discussing it. At least until this past month, he really broke. Things have changed and he is no longer strong enough to tolerate my dependency on him creating my happiness.
I am so grateful!
I am grateful because I know now how to strengthen my marriage and to move it along. In order to renew my marriage is to date myself! Sounds quirky and a little odd? It really isn’t, and I recommend it to everyone who hasn’t had a chance to find themselves. It’s not to late to try, I promise as I sit here…28 years old, a shadow to her husband, and a self-inflicting woman. I have personally left all of myself buried deep in order to conform to what I thought I had to be for everyone else.
If you are the one that is dependent in a relationship, you may often feel hurt if your partner doesn’t respond the way you “expect” them to. You may find yourself jealous, and often times conflicting about not wanting your partner to have alone time with their friends, but also wanting their happiness. You also may find that you need to know EVERYTHING that your partner is doing. An example would be where they are at what time, if they are caring for themselves and eating meals, what they were talking about with other significant people in their life. These are just a few of the unhealthy thoughts and feelings someone might experience in a co-dependent relationship.
I personally always needed reassurance. I needed it for everything! And most of those things weren’t even important. For example, if my husband sounded edgy on the phone, I had to call him several times to ensure that it wasn’t me that caused his bad mood. I would then try and provoke positive thoughts, pushing and pushing to “create” a better mood for him, just to make myself feel like it wasn’t my fault. In reality, all he needed was some space to work through his bad day or whatever it was that caused his turn of emotions. Just reading that sentence, I realize even more how wrong I was. Those were “HIS” emotions! Not mine to control for my own selfish benefit. That is just a teeny example of the behavior I had (and am still working through). On most occasions, something like this would escalate to an all day argument about all the things that make me unhappy with our relationship and how he doesn’t give me what I need. This man has stuck through so much emotional damage just to ensure I am cared for. I honestly don’t know how he did it, let alone still having a scrap of a relationship to have the opportunity to repair. I am truly blessed to be in a safe situation to learn through these detrimental behaviors.
So starting today I am dating myself. I am treating myself with respect, and doing so with little concern for how others see me. This is a private and enjoyable time. I get to explore what makes me something worth loving. What I have to offer and bring to all my relationships. I have also decided to go to school to work towards a career change. My writing, my passion for the environment and wildlife, my smile. These are all things that I add to those around me.
Today was amazing, and beautifully peculiar. I went to work with my soul wide open. Strong with my decisions on leaving this broken me behind and discovering the person I loved when all I had was myself. To a time when I was the only strength I had. I brought myself internally to the place I went when I was dealing with my bi-polar and meth infested mother. Where I went when I was being manipulated by her unhealthy emotions and forcing me to contour to her needs. I became that woman today. On more times than I can count on one hand, I was freely handed compliments. Maybe just kind words from others, but nonetheless, compliments to me. When I mentioned I wanted to make a difference with my future career choice, I was openly told (by the most quiet and honest man at work), that I already do touch people because of who I am. That I make people feel good. $#%#$%#$%#%??????? I haven’t had such a nice thing spoken that directly to me in a great while. So random. But what really had me open my eyes was when a woman I was ringing up finished her transaction, placed her receipt in her wallet…eyes down, and asked me blatantly “So…what are you going to do?” I was shocked. What did this woman want to know? And how did she know what I was going through??? I proceeded to ask her what she meant, was it about the war? The economy? My weekend? Nope. She wanted to know what I was going to do with life in general. Now, I am already self employed (three store front locations), married, stable living environment and pretty set up in general. Was I made of glass today?? I told her of my surprise to her question, that I am pursuing an old interest in Natural Resources/ Conservation/ Wildlife Biology and that it was going to be a fresh start and a long journey. This woman then spent the next 15 minutes (this is my cashier position that I do part time for fun and we were not busy) telling me about how excited she was for me and that she was incredibly happy to hear about my decision. I really didn’t know what to make of it, but after she left, it really made me realize I was making the right decision for ME.
So tonight I sit here writing to you. Writing for me. I am down half a bottle of wine and a belly full of cheese and fruit. My candle is lit, music of choice playing. I also painted my nails (something I had put off for a while). My husband is out with his cousins and I am very much content with that. Turning my insecurities around and facing them as open doors for creating what has been amiss for far too long. Me.
Love yourself before anyone else, because then you can truly offer others unconditional and pure love.
You can say there’s nothing funny about depression, that it’s a real problem.
I know this.
But as I sit here crying over all my miseries, all I can think about is how dumb this is that I can’t feel happy. I mean it, it’s bad. Tears flowing so fast the tissue can’t keep up and neither can the wine.
There is so much in my life to be thankful for and happy about and all I can think about is dying. WHAT THE FUCK??? Because dying makes things better right? Out of site out of mind. I’m very much NOT going to try and die and as an after thought I take it back…
“NO PLEASE! Universe, pretend I didn’t say that, you didn’t hear that, I didn’t mean it!”
This is seriously not who I want to be, nor who I used to be. I have been dealing with health issues this year and now my relationship is suffering and life feels bleak. MORE TEARS. MORE WINE.
And I have no idea why I can’t be stronger right now. Stronger for myself, my family, and my relationship. I really can’t blame my husband for feeling like he wants to drive away and never come back, I’ve put him through the ringer. God knows most men would not stay after all I’ve put him through. And for some reason… he still says he loves me. Wow. Not a lot of people have that.
Loneliness is the worst part of suffering from depression. I stare at my bright red, pathetically sad eyes, and wonder how I let my face look so saggy and frowney. Complete with messy bun! Oh you should see it, it’s a true picture perfect sob-fest.
Ever been there?
I’m in my kitchen wiping down the counters and I feel that tickle of sadness start to bubble. My mind starts coaching it to stay down and not to give in to the tears (still don’t know why they’re coming [shrugs]). Can’t hold it back, my face scrunches up like a baby and I start BAWLING. Very dramatic. Very comical… one minute, content… the next, niagra tear fucking falls. Then I gag, snot dripping down all over (sick!), drool dripping out of my saggy mouth. Hyperventilating starts. Yup.
Wait, let me get my wine, ok that’s better. Something soothing.
Logically, I look at all of this and laugh. It’s not necessary, and I raise a knowing eyebrow at myself with a “come on, shake it off!” It’s time to move on. But I can’t until things level out. I personally believe my hormones are all screwy as this is not like me. I am in the process of switching new thyroid meds and lets hope the comedy show takes an end soon.
Play with a puppy.
**On a side note, I know that depression is not something to joke about and the varying degrees are different for each individual. Dealing with depression is a journey and can be a life long one at that. It’s not easy to take anyone’s advice and “just be happy” or “smile,” but for your own sanity…. look at things for their beauty and look at yourself for your own beauty.